What’s the point of marriage?
Marriage will demonstrate your intimate relationship with yourself and encourage you to ‘commit’ and not walk away from your inner confusion so you can heal and experience more exciting adventures.
The dictionary’s definition
The dictionary defines marriage as “the legal relationship between two people who are married to each other“; meaning it’s documented in our legal system which obviously assists in other ways concerning finances etc. However, it’s not the dictionary or the legal system’s interpretation of marriage that causes any problems. The real problems arise by an individual’s perception of what marriage is.
All emotion is actually the root of all pain. All emotion is determined by how you’re looking at something; what you’re perceiving is happening (or not happening).
Marriage is the coming together of two people to create a life together because they “feel they want to enjoy more life with this person”. That initial attraction is evidently real by how it feels, however, the story of how it’s meant to unfold for their highest happiness is not known consciously.
We “don’t know the story”, we can only feel “euphoric feelings”.
The confusion and misunderstanding
A relationship, married or otherwise, starts out as two people wanting to be best friends and live happily together. If it doesn’t play out like that it’s because you perceive some or all of these things about your partner:-
- You are here to help my life plan;
- You are an extra pair of hands for my plan;
- We are joined at the hip and you’re no longer free to do what your want.
- I own your time;
- You have to compromise;
- We have to be on the same page.
The clarity
Your initial attraction to this other person is your soul saying “this feels good for me”. It’s real and it’s to be trusted. However, the journey’s not going to be what you expect. The journey starts with your “intimate ” partner showing you about your more “intimate” beliefs. They act as a mirror to show you any pain and struggle inside you that’s stopping you from living out the euphoria you felt when you met them. The ‘marriage’ is just a way of helping you commit to that expression of your intimate self so you can heal in a safe space full of love and support. No document is necessary. Nor is the same person necessary… however, you’re not going to escape what that partner is showing you about yourself by pushing them away.
The problem
The problem that arises is that those triggers are painful. None of us have been taught what’s happening to us so we can know how to heal and expand to better and better adventures. Instead, the struggle just makes you want to push this person away, until eventually, it’s just a done deal to stop living together. What other course could you have taken if you didn’t know that you were really rebelling against emotions inside yourself!
The solution
Accept the truth that your partner is not responsible for your feelings. That means, if the pain is in you, you have the power to change it. You are truly in control! However, the most important realisation is that if you acknowledge what your partner is helping trigger inside you, you can heal and get to the other side of joy you haven’t even imagined yet. Let’s revisit the examples of misunderstanding about marriage. Looking at the list, you will observe that all those things you might feel about your partner is what’s actually going on inside you wanting to be loved.
- You’re here to help my life plan (I don’t have enough power to realise my dreams within me);
- You’re an extra pair of hands for my plan. (There’s not enough time, money and energy in my day to realise my dreams);
- We’re joined at the hip and you are no longer free to do what your want. (I can’t realise my dreams by being free to be me).
- I own your time. (I need to control everything, I don’t trust life);
- You have to compromise. (I have to compromise what I want to have more of the life I want);
- We have to be on the same page. (I can’t realise an exciting life without feeling in control of all the components).
If you spoke back to your partner as if they were you, your dialogue would change. The reason being that you’d be thinking about how they feel and be sensitive to how what you say will be felt. Instead of saying, “You need to stop gaming every night“, you’d be motivated to offer them a cup of coffee while they’re gaming. Maybe you’d calmly ask them why they game so you can understand them better and find out what lights them up?
When you can inspire a partner to feel better, you win because you’re only ever inspiring yourself. If a partner says, “I love gaming, it gives me a sense of achievement“, you can see that it isn’t actually a bad thing. Yes, you could open up the conversation by asking them why they feel they’re not achieving? Is there something else they’d love to do and can you help in anyway?
Here’s an example of a story of woman who divorced. She was criticising a married couple because after years of marriage, they were now sleeping in separate bedrooms. She felt (and I quote), “They were more like best friends”. Her body language and tone demonstrated that she thought “being best friends” was something ‘going wrong’. The fact that she was irritated was an indication that she wasn’t quite at peace with that conclusion as much as she thought. (When we’re feeling anger, irritation, frustration or any other uncomfortable feeling, it means we have two opposing views inside). One viewpoint is being expressed from our soul and the other is the false ego personality we’ve learned to be). The discomfort is the soul and our ego disagreeing. Perhaps the woman in question was judging and criticising the couple because she hadn’t found ‘her best friend’ in her relationship with herself and was the reason she’d divorced.
My partner has stopped being my best friend
If your partner has stopped being your best friend it’s always because of your dialogue. Your dialogue will reveal what you perceive about your partner and where you perceive the real power for your happiness lies. Marriage is not 50/50, being tied together, not being free, being in love or being parents. Even the orgasm reinforces the case that no matter what the “outer stimulation”, the actual ecstasy called an orgasm is actually happening within you; you have access to the ecstasy.
Marriage is about holding hands with a commitment “to love on purpose”. Your focus should be to raise your vibration so you can enjoy all the experiences you want. If you’re sceptical and assuming that all the practical stuff is more essential, it isn’t. The practical stuff will get done because improving the vibration of your feelings will change the course of things.
If you hear yourself using phrases like ‘have to, should, need to,’ stop and reevaluate if that’s true. Is there a man in the room with a gun? Will you stop breathing? The answer will be no. It’s not life threatening so it doesn’t have to be done. Yes, some things may have a time frame that you can’t alter but those situations are far fewer than we live out. Aside from the critical things, if what I say provoke you emotionally, use the emotional release exercise.
If you can love a child, you can love a partner
The reason why parents don’t give up on children is because they perceive a child is an extension of their self. If you have children, you already know about giving endless time, patience and energy. There’s never a scoreboard. Children show us what love actually is; i.e. a feeling we choose on purpose. That’s exactly how we need to treat a partner to get the best of what the relationship can offer.
It’s not a partner that’s making you unhappy, it’s your own emotion. Something you’re in complete control of. Your perception of what’s happening and what should happen, is what’s causing you to feel bad.
If your partner was your child you’d instinctively be thinking “how can I help you be more happy?” . Just because your partner’s an adult, it doesn’t mean they should give up their child like wants. That’s actually the problem, none of us ever get rid of these childish urges because they are what drives our purpose for being here. However, somehow we think that being an adult is about responsibility for getting things done regardless of how it feels. The irony is that because we’ve stopped giving importance to whether it feels good, what we focus on is not fruitful which causes us to figure we need to do more; and on and on the pain goes.
See your partner (and anyone you meet) as a child. The goal is to have conversations that allow them to have what they want and support them to feel good about it. Shutting down other people is the same effect as shutting yourself and your desires down. If they’re not allowed to do what they want it’s because you can feel that you don’t let yourself have what you want.
Marriage offers a great mirror to see how you really treat yourself. Having another person with you is in fact an illusion; any help you perceive is coming from them is actually happening because you have the love going on inside you. They’re just another person being used as a pawn in your success game.
If marriage is a struggle, it’s because the “marriage” within you is struggling
The dynamic of marriage hasn’t been created to be a struggle. On the contrary, it’s an effective way of bringing your emotional confusion to the surface. If willing to commit to that exploration and get the dialogue loving enough, you can open the flood gates of those resources (which otherwise you would have to do yourself). We’ve become accustomed to assuming the role of ‘I can do it all’, but that idea will keep your life quality at a consistent 6.
Change means change, not improvement
Changing a relationship, job or anything in life doesn’t necessarily mean expansion just because it looks like it. Change means change, not improvement. Changing your circumstances doesn’t mean you’re taking life from a 6 to a 7; you’re simply changing how it looks, not feels. Yes, the change will definitely suggest relief from what felt like a hard or unwanted situation. You’ll probably notice a ‘hopeful’ feeling, however, it doesn’t mean you’ve healed what caused the pain.
If you want to improve the quality of your life, you must change the vibration coming from your emotional body. A marriage simply plays out for you in plain sight, your ‘intimate’ relationship with yourself so you can see where the confusion is within you. Marriage is made into a contract to help you commit to your healing and commit to access the euphoria you experienced in that early excitement and attracted you!
MOMENT OF CLARITY
Marriage is not a ball and chain, that’s a perception; you can walk away at any moment. Marriage will demonstrate your intimate relationship with yourself and encourage you to ‘commit’ and not walk away from your inner confusion so you can heal and experience more exciting adventures. There is a difference between wanting “a companion” and wanting “a transformative experience”.
