You check how it feels before you say it. When we talk to children we base everything we say to them on how it’ll make them feel. We understand that if we want to get them to do something we have to sell it to them on the basis of what’s in it for them. If they don’t feel good, it ain’t gonna happen! That’s exactly how we need to treat our partner and everyone else.
They’re an adult, why should I work so hard?
You’re working hard because you’re not being heard. You’re not being heard because what you’re suggesting, or the way you’re putting it, doesn’t make your partner feel good. If they don’t feel good why should they have to do it? That begs two important questions you need to clear up about how you feel:-
Does having what you want mean you have to do things that make you unhappy? If they have to that’s because you feel you have to. Not so.
If you want to love your partner then how they feel should be important. So do you want to love them? It’s not going to happen by accident because love is a feeling we decide to stay in.
To love or not to love that is the real question
Love is an activity felt only in the heart. You cannot fall in or out of love. It is a vibration. The reason why we can find a way to talk to a child differently is because we perceive the child as “an extension of us”. That’s why we have endless energy, time and patience to get into the vibration of love; it’s easy to feel the pay off! We don’t decide we’re falling in or out of love with a child and want to adopt them out because they’re irritating us.
Why is it so hard to feel love so we change our dialogue?
Because we are no longer seeing our partner, we are seeing a projection of who we want them to be and what we want them to do. The reason why we want to change them is so we can get life to change the way we want it to but life is not changing because we no longer have love in our heart. Remember when you were first attracted to your partner, they did little or nothing but it was exhilarating just thinking about them or being with them. You probably hadn’t even kissed at that stage. That feeling was an indication that joy exists with this person and you felt it didn’t you? They were happy being them, you were happy being you until you moved in and started treating the other person as a potential extension of you… but instead of loving them like your children, you saw them as “grown up” and therefore more able to “use” them to move things around so you could get what you want.
Aren’t we supposed to be helping each other?
Supposed to? No. Want to? YES! But only because we feel love and we only feel love when the other person makes you feel good. A partner is an incredible resource and component to helping your life expand into all the things you dream about. However, the only way to get there is to keep your heart in the right place. That ecstasy you felt you first met is a mis-perception. It means there is something about this person in my life that can fill my life with ecstasy but the only way to go about accessing it is to express love for them. That means caring how they feel and wanting to uplift them and help them to be happier.
Whether you are trying to get him to do the dishes or whether you are trying to get her to let you game in “family time”, think about what can improve for them if they do what they ask. Listening = What’s in it for me?
MOMENT OF CLARITY
If you want a partner to do anything, they will only be motivated by whether it feels good. Always present what you want to happen by thinking how their situation will improve.