The most important reason marriages break up is because of the mis-perception of what marriage is. Marriage is the coming together of two people to create a life together. Instead we’ve unconsciously perceived it as let’s get together so you can make me happy. My partner must behave the way I want otherwise I can’t have the life I want. (There are many other misunderstood perceptions that compound relationship break ups). Actually, a partner is simply there to help you find your happiness and to support you to stay there as much as possible. Your happiness doesn’t come from what your partner does or doesn’t do.
Here’s an example of a story of woman who divorced. I heard a woman criticising a couple because they were now sleeping in separate bedrooms. She felt (and I quote) “they were more like best friends”. It turns out that she had recently divorced. Her body language and tone demonstrated that she thought “being best friends” was something “going wrong”. The fact that she was irritated was an indication that she wasn’t quite at peace with that conclusion as much as she thought. (When we are feeling disturbed such as anger, irritation, frustration, it means we have two opposing views inside; one agrees with our opinion and another doesn’t.) Perhaps it was because she had not found the best friend in her own relationship that was the reason they parted.
My partner has stopped being my best friend
If your partner has stopped being your best friend it’s always because of your dialogue. Your dialogue will reveal what you perceive about your partner and where you perceive the real power for your happiness is. Marriage is not 50/50, being tied together, not being free, being in love or being parents. Even the orgasm reinforces the case that no matter what the “outer stimulation”, the actual ecstasy called an orgasm is actually happening within you; you have access to the ecstasy.
Marriage is about holding hands with a commitment “to love on purpose”. Your focus should be to raise your vibration so you can enjoy all the experiences you want. If you are skeptical and assuming that all the practical stuff is more essential, it isn’t. The practical stuff will get done because improving the vibration of your feelings will change the course of things. (This is explained in more detail in the passage below on male and female energy. You can see that the masculine energy within us drives the physical stuff and we struggle because we stop listening, validating and allowing our feminine energy to be expressed).
Can you love a child?
The reason why parents don’t give up on children is because they perceive a child as an extension of their self. It’s so much easier to give them love. If you have children you already know about giving endless time, patience, energy, stamina and there’s never a scoreboard. Children show us what love actually is; a feeling we choose on purpose. That’s exactly how we need to treat a partner to get the best of what the relationship can offer.
It’s not a partner that’s making you unhappy, it’s your own emotion. Something you’re in complete control of. Your perception of what’s happening and what should happen, is what’s causing you to feel bad.
If your partner was your child you’d instinctively be thinking “how can I help you be more happy” . Just because your partner is an adult, it doesn’t mean they should give up their child like wants. That’s actually the problem, none of us ever get rid of them because they are what drives our purpose for being here. However, somehow we think that being an adult is about responsibility for getting things done regardless of how it feels. The irony is that because we have stopped giving importance to whether it feels good, what we focus on is not fruitful which causes us to figure we need to do more and on and on the pain goes.
See your partner (and anyone you meet) as a child. The goal is to have conversations that allow them to have what they want and support them to feel good about it. Shutting down other people is just you shutting you down. If they’re not allowed to do what they want it’s because you can feel that you don’t let yourself have what you want. Marriage offers a great mirror to see how you really treat yourself. Having another person with you is in fact an illusion; any help you perceive is coming from them is actually happening because you have the love going on inside you and so they are just another person being used as a pawn in your success game.