We‘re breaking up because we’re not on the same page
You never were on the same page and you never will be
Not being on the same page is often used as the reason a couple feel like they’re breaking up but it’s not. Being on the same page is only a perception. Despite both partners feeling they’re on the same page because they’ve agreed a strategy, they never actually feel the same way. Thinking you’re on the same page is just an illusion. Even if you perceive you’re on the same page because you’re in agreement about what’s going to happen, there are many things not even being said that puts you on completely different pages.
OK, so that’s not the problem, why does it matter!
Understanding the real problem matters because if you don’t see where you created it, you can’t see how you can change it.
What’s the conflict really about?
What’s really being said is “I’m unhappy because I can’t see how what you’re doing can get me what I want anymore“. Here’s the truth. When you first met, you were probably world’s apart in your routines and interests. You probably worked in a difference place, ate differently, had different friends, did things in your free time without the other, etc. etc. The only thing you were on the same page about was a “feeling”, the feeling of excitement. It’s still available!
So why do I feel so far away from excitement?
You both started trying to define this excitement as the other person being useful in helping you get the life you wanted. Helping you get what you wanted was the on-track part. However, trying to define the strategy of how they must live in order for that to happen doesn’t work.
The way to get back into love is to allow each other to do what you love. In other words, by holding a loving vibration towards them. By encouraging each other to do what makes each of you happy causes you to be in alignment with all the things that you want.
All the co-operative components are already waiting to show up but they can only show up in a paradigm of the same “vibe”. Don’t let your eyes deceive you. A joyful, loving feeling is your goal… not your activity and trying to control situations to go the way you think.
I wondered what the f&”# had happened!
In my own relationship with my husband we are regularly at odds about many things. So much of the way we see life and what we like are different. Sometimes I wonder how we manage to be happy considering our differences. I discovered that in discerning what made him happy and encouraging him to pursue these things, my life has equally benefited.
It’s fair to generalise that we don’t really know the details of what that happiness is that we can feel underneath the surface. We just know it’s there because of the evidence that we know what’s going on now doesn’t feel good! We’re impatient, so we just keep pushing and prodding everything in front of us to get there but we can’t get there because that vibe will never get joy to show up.
What about me?
In the beginning of our marriage, a voice inside me was asking “What about what you want Annemarie, why does it feel like you’re fitting into his life?“. How have you gone from this super free, independent woman, travelling the world alone to spending 24 hours with a man in a another country and culture. What the f#”! happened?” Truth is I didn’t consciously know what I wanted and the “free, independence” was an illusion. I wasn’t feeling love in my life. Free, yes I was, but not fulfilled or happy. Independent, yes, but that’s just another buzz word. We are all independent, it just means I can function biologically without needing another person! I wasn’t happy and realised just how unhappy I was after starting life in “country number 6”.
Love at first sight
The day I met my husband was “love at first sight” (as we like to term it). It really was one of those experiences you see in the movies; as I walked passed him everything suddenly slowed down. Interesting thing is that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, in fact I was quite indifferent to the idea of finding a man who would meet my high expectations! Not only that but I met him at a healing workshop where I went “feeling that by doing this life was going to get better”. It did but I never saw that plan unfolding. The attraction to him and the desire to love him uncovered talents and experiences within me that I can’t see how I would have uncovered without this relationship. By the way that DOES NOT mean you need a partner, you just need to “be loving”. Hence the phrase “follow your bliss”.
My love irritated a friend
I remember a friend being very irritated with me at how I help my husband get organised to go out on his racing bike. She watched as I checked his tyres for possible punctures, filled his drinking bottle, got out the pump and checked his back light worked well. I checked the weather over the route he was taking, laid out his cycling clothes, sun cream, heart beat strap, helmet, glasses, headset and shoes. I made sure he had tissues in his back pocket and charged his phone so he could listen to his playlist. When he was ready I called the elevator to our floor and shot down to the front door to open the door because it’s not so easy holding a bike.
Can’t he do all that himself!
When I came back she irritatingly said “Can’t he do all that himself!”. I said “Of course he can but I like to help him and show him how much I love him“. I could see the cogs going round in her mind. I could see she was trying to weigh up what would be in it for her and that’s exactly how we naturally operate. There’s nothing wrong with that. The difference is that because we don’t have the awareness, we don’t see how we gain from situations. Love in us benefits us no matter how delusional it might look. I may have gained much more than my husband did on that bike ride. I can never know his experience but I am certain that the vibe I was in was pulling “joy” my way. What that joy materialises as I don’t know specifically, I just know it’s the most powerful strategy.
It’s called ‘nagging’ until you explain!
I observe that encouraging him to follow his heart and stop doing things that don’t make him happy is having a huge effect on my life in areas I didn’t consciously know I cared about. The only time I “nag” him, as he used to put it, is to stop him doing things that are hurting him. I also observed that he didn’t embrace any of my “spiritual stuff” until he experienced how much I truly cared about what he wanted. Once he realised how much how he felt mattered, I received the same from him.
Stay in the moment and prioritise good feelings because that is the most powerful strategy for getting everything to line up “on the same page”. You will never get it wrong. Yes, I know it sounds corny and too simple but it works. Give “planning” a rest, any plan that matters has already materialised you just need to be on its vibe to actually experience it physically.
MOMENT OF CLARITY
If you want a partner to do anything, they will only be motivated by whether it feels good. Always present what you want to happen by thinking how their situation will improve if they do it. Demonstrate you care about them just as you would a child. Whether they do or don’t do it, don’t blame because they are not the reason why you feel bad, you feel bad because your vibe’s not loving… and so the page with the joyful experiences on can’t show up.